Dating a jesus freak
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HOUSTON—Calling it a privilege to work in such a dynamic and collaborative environment, NASA social media manager Dustin Greer, 26, told reporters Wednesday he considers himself fortunate to be a part of the space agency’s team.NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.
NEW YORK—An alarming report released Monday by the National Audubon Society revealed that, during their lifetimes, nearly four of every five female birds will be sexually harassed by complete strangers lewdly exposing their colorful plumage.Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent.The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.NEW YORK—Bracing itself as the 37-year-old opened the app in evident frustration, the status update bar at the top of area man Peter Daigle’s Facebook news feed expressed a profound sense of dread Tuesday about whatever the man was about to type into it, sources confirmed.PEEKSKILL, NY—Lamenting that she is now inextricably associated with the popular image messaging app solely because of the date of her birth, local teen Caitlin Reese told reporters Thursday that she had no say whatsoever in becoming part of the Snapchat Generation.BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Promising the most engaging and enjoyable experience of any mobile dating technology, the developers of the popular new app Couplet told reporters Monday their platform consists entirely of a static list of 20 physically attractive singles designed to be scrolled through endlessly.
OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
SILVER SPRING, MD—According to alarming new findings released Tuesday by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the ongoing effects of climate change will soon vastly increase the number of incidences of people stepping into a puddle and getting their whole goddamn foot soaking wet.
LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.
DURHAM, NC—According to a study published Monday by researchers at Duke University’s Center for Cognitive Neuroscience, humans experience the most intense feelings of happiness when pressing the “skip ad” button before watching a video on the internet.
BERKELEY, CA—Warning society that it has reached a crucial tipping point from which it may never be able to recover, a brittle, yellowing report sitting in the archives of the University of California’s Bioscience & Natural Resources Library reportedly urged readers Friday that “the time to act against climate change is right now.” BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.